This year’s Mother Day is very special and emotional for me. It is my last one as a mother of two. I found myself in the laps of motherhood at the young age of 22 years. My kids were not born from my womb and all my instincts had to come from my heart.
Four years old Reuben (now 9 yrs old) and two years old Irene (now 7 yrs old), left their biological mum and came to England to live with their dad and dad’s friend (myself). Little did I know then, that my life was about to change for good! Little did I know that I was venturing into a big new world of motherhood.
These kids and I have been through a lot. To begin with, we couldn’t speak eachother’s language yet we somehow spent days on end in our little quirky flat in the beautiful sea side town of Broadstairs. We spoke a lot through cuddles, kisses and many other sweet gestures and activities like cooking, baking, taking long walks, playing etc. I tried to impress them by cooking their favourite meals and they kept me sweet by eating it all (even on days it wasn’t really that good).
I remember how one day whilst we were engrossed dancing in our living room with loud music on, the phone rang. When I answered somehow my entire world seemed to have been on the verge of collapsing. After 6 months of no contact, their mother chose to call. I answered the phone and had no idea how to speak to her. When she asked who I was? I suddenly had an identity crisis (identifying myself as their dad’s gf might set her off or lose custody was my fear). I passed on the phone quickly to Reuben. He denied recognising the person on the phone (his mum). He kept asking me who she was and I kept reassuring him that it was his mother. He was polite to her but brutally honest about the fact that he couldn’t remember her. She hung up! And we stopped the music. We went for a walk after that but strangely kids never mentioned anything about the phone call. Throughout the walk, I kept thinking how much in love I had fallen with these two kids in such a small amount of time. How my heart ached to hear their mothers voice, the fear that she might want them back? I felt like I was on some sort of crossroads. I felt insecure but guilty of being selfish. It was a good thing if their mother wanted to be a part of their lives, yet I desired otherwise because I wanted to be their mother.
Those days are long gone, we never heard back from their mother ever again. Almost six years together, my insecurities have almost gone yet from time to time I wonder how incapable we are of controlling the future. How someday, these two will grow up and might want to reunite or reconnect with their mother. What if they decide to leave me and become hers all over again? I know it is a bit shallow of me to be so insecure. But hey ho, all I can do is try my best to give them the best and be the best I can to them. And in return all I can do is appreciate each day I get with them saying “I love you mum”.
But things are about to change, I will be giving birth this year. Now that is nerve-wrecking as heck! But I feel so confident and ready this time around for this child. And that is because of my two loving children Reuben and Irene. I surely raise them and teach them to live well and love all (including their estranged mum) but in many ways, they teach me everyday how to give, how to forgive and how to live. If I know anything about motherhood today, that is because of the kids I have been raising. If it wasn’t for these two putting up with all my failures as a mother (which I have had many), I wouldn’t have had a chance to learn and improve my role as a mother well.
This third child of mine will not only have a confident mother but also a very nurturing pair of siblings. I hope I can teach the baby to realise how special it is to be born in this family of ours!